Panic

I had never understood that word until now
Until all of the memories came back at once
All of the sleepless nights cowering
Beneath the stench of my own fear
Under a small sheet
In the uncomfort of a swelteting room:
Shadows filling my head

I don't know whether to cry
Or fall into a ball of nothing
But recited song lyrics
On the carpet,
Muttering unintelligibly.

There is too much to express
I can't do anything.
Abjact terror: I am petrified.
The rewind button on my brain
Is stuck down
And it keeps going further and further
Whirring and creaking as the memories
Resurface with reckless abandon
In front of my bloodshot eyes.

Nights spent staring at the nightlight
Or watching my alarm clocks' red digits
Tic by one by one until I could escape the confines
Of my bed and could walk without fear.

Night terrors and sleep paralysis,
Men with spears chanting in archaic languages
Painted deathly white,
Pallid dreams where my falling never ended,
Crude hashes on prison cell walls.

I collapse on a chair and try to tell
My breathing to slow and my being to
Adapt to the antigens and adrenaline
Instead all I can do is tremble
And put my hands in between my knees
And brace myself for another wave

Horrifying bitter dread
Swallowing me whole
And spitting me out again
Just for spite.

I used to make deals with the monsters
Under my bed.
And I guess I lost one.
My demons' crinkled fingers latching
Onto the debased recesses of my head.

Worth

When was the last time you breathed in,
All the way to the center of your being
And filled yourself to the brim
With Nitrogen, oxygen, and the dust
Building up in your office?

When was the last time you looked
Out in the distance at the mountains
And said "I'm going to climb that one"
And went and did it?

Rejoicing in the accomplishment.

When was the last time you looked
At yourself in the mirror and accepted it all
Without judgement:
Staring into your own steely eyes
For infinity in the retina reflections

Because you know you are capable, right?
You know you are worth everything.
And those who think different of you
Are only kidding themselves.

Your purpose is so much more than they know

God did not put you here to wallow.
He put you here to swallow the sorrow
Walk through the pain and anguish
Savoring the instincts, the fears
And gain shades of light as you go.

Crazy how the dark can break some
And can spark a hint of greatness in others.
Those who live to tell the tale of this life
Will have all the stories to spin eternities
And experience enough to love without bounds.