Tuesday, August 28, 2018

The Protector

I grit my teeth
And clench my fists
as I see it happen before my eyes,
my stomach turns and twists.

I could never strike for myself,
But as soon as someone hurts another
I get that steely look in my eye, becoming
An enraged inferno no one can smother

Why do I care for others honor
More than mine?
Why will I bruise and bloody myself
Just so others can be fine?

I struggle to be around people
That repeatedly hurt others. With candor,
I'm too blessed and cursed with caring
To be an innocent bystander.


Monday, August 27, 2018

Autobiography

I'm scribbling my thoughts furiously
Before they fade into the clutter
Wherever my half-forgotten dreams
Are located in my brain.

I'm terrified at who I might look like
In the mirror of paper:
But even more scared that no one
Will dig through these memories and thoughts
And learn of me.

I don't want to live on as a blip
on a heartbeat monitor,
dragging my aching feet
over the edge of my hospital bed.

Just living was never enough:
I must taste every day as a renowned critic,
Detailing the sweet, salty, and bitter undertones.
I must swirl every moment around in
my wine glass before drinking slowly.

Will my memories age well,
Or will they rest on my tongue
And melt like European chocolate,
Into happy oblivion, (but oblivion nonetheless)
Leaving only whispers on my own lips
And callouses on my fingertips?

I want to look back
At thousands of pages;
Millions of words
Arranged in neat lines
Across pages of leather journals
Faded with overuse:

The bindings broken from
Being turned over to favorite pages,
The corners turned over to memories once had
And repeatedly enjoyed
By those who need them.

I want to steal people's attention from the grave,
Make them shake with raucous laughter
As they read:
Cause them to shed tears of sympathy
And nod their heads in agreement
As they solemnly speak my words.

All I've ever wanted to do
Is to help others understand
my imperfect insight
and relish the thought of being themselves.




Wednesday, August 22, 2018

All-Seeing

I wish I had the eyes of god
The ones that would make people
Tremble with the weight of their decisions:
The gaze that would enforce right
With a single glance.

The eyes are warm enough
To consider the lowliest
As a friend:
Those that humble the haughty
With a simple gaze.

I might be wrong to assume
People would even look up
To meet God's eyes:
Ashamed to meet the gaze
Of their maker.

Maybe I don't want God's eyes,
I'd be scared of everyone
Not looking up

I would weep salt tears
For everyone's choices.
Omniscience is seeing all the
Ones you love
Consistently forget you


Tuesday, August 21, 2018

My Wake

i ball my hand into a fist
and my knuckles hurt
from the punching bag
but i know i won't strike first

i know that anger makes me irrational
but i have tamed it, honed it
into a chilled knife:
sharp Stainless Steel.

my words are 
more dangerous than any punch
i could throw
my dear

enraged and enflamed,
i can control my feelings to a dull throb
and grip the steering wheel
until my knuckles are white.

i am warm to the touch
to the point where my mother would
have felt my forehead and said 
"stay home from school".

i can't bring myself to 
hurt anyone until i am wounded - 
but when i am struck,
i lash back with my disastrous tongue

pounding their pride into pulp
swinging wildly at their solutions
tearing their tries to calm me
until there rests nothing but debris.

Smothered

the love of sound
haunts my dreams

my constant thoughts,
the music in their discord,
leave no space
for other people's words

they say somethings wrong
when i drift off into myself
but how is it my fault
when their words are being
forced down my throat

inspiration

the desert flower always prayed for a tsunami -
but then again neverending water
always sounds good to the parched.

But when the rain comes
and practically washes out its roots -
that flower will pray it won't drown

i am that tsunami
my words and feelings
and you the flower

i am damming the tide
so you don't drown
in me

Friday, August 10, 2018

Splinter

Hundreds of scraps of paper
Litter my floor because I can't decide what to think:

I don't know if I'm still in love,
Or this anger is me giving up completely

It's all I can do to not let you know
How far you got into my head;

I can't emphasize my bliss before
You told me it was all a lie
Straight to my face:

When you stood motionless, resolute, and calculated,
And shut us down in a few cutthroat sentences.

I knew better than to argue with you when
You had that look in your eyes.

Nodding slowly to your decisions
I retreated from the confrontation
Behind ornate walls of self-deception

You closed the door quietly behind you
And didn't even look back

And now I cant get this cursed splinter
Of you out of my head


Wednesday, August 1, 2018

I Am Not Someone Else

She slowly opens her eyes after we kiss
Almost surprised as someone else is before her:
Losing her reality for a split-second
In someone else's lips.

She looks through me;
When she doesn't, she wants to change me:
Piece by piece molding exactly what she misses
Out of my voided heart.

This twisted illusion of quick fixes 
Grinds my emotions into coarse powder
Which she sifts with impunity
As I struggle to make sense of it

One cannot learn to love again
Without letting the past rest where it lies.
As much as it hurts her, I can't be him -
I won't be.


Our desert (haiku)

I look through photos Our life through the four seasons Back through the old ones.  Blossoming in spring With all the diverse flowers ...