Distrust

I press my bitten nails into my palms
As she speaks, as to not betray
The fact I am two milimeters
From breaking down completely.

I wish I wasn't so emotional,
And I could interpret situations
Without my heart racing
Or my mouth being dry

I have this innate need
To know everything
And to act on it:
Compartmentalizing my life.

I'm preparing for the worst:
Why can't I ever be an optimist
And not an overthinking realist
Ready to catch my fall already.

Walls

Scars that never fade away

"Nothings wrong" you'd always say

Shrugging off help with disdain

"I don't know what you're talking about"

I think I can see through your wall

"No one understands me" is just

Your excuse to let no one in.

"It's not worth trying", you say.

It's really a desperate plea 

When you say "Nobody can help me";

I'm staying right here until

"Okay you're right." 

Then what?

It takes a minute to focus my thoughts;
To inhale until I see stars,
And let my breath out shallowly:
Trading my carbon for oxygen
For the millionth time.

I've been let down so many times
It's become more than just a trend,
I guess this is the reason I put
So much confidence in myself.

I might just recede into my monotony
And give up making the changes
That have done nothing but hurt me.
Or quite the opposite:

I might make more changes than ever
Hiding the fear
Fighting the fear
Becoming the feared

Hiding in plain sight of everyone:
Forging a new identity for myself
Because evidently as I am
I am not good enough.

I Thought

I thought I had forgotten everything:
Erased every memory of you
From the recesses of my brain,

But when I look at her
At that one angle she looks
Exactly like you did
Your head turned sideways with a little smile

I knew you loved me and nothing frightened me more:
You loved me so much I disregarded it
And gave anything else precedence.
I didn't even give you a chance.

I'm sorry I wasn't ready enough
To put my selfishness aside:
In the end I guess it doesn't matter
You moved on as fast as occasion permit.

Landscapes

Floating deep in something lacking thought
Disappearing in the blacklight
Of yet another "revelatory experience"

She sits, her hand on her knee, tense.
Not expecting anything, but belief
Sometimes overcomes sense

Condemned to his hapless heart
For yet another second - pining
For the painted reds and blues

She is turquoise like the brine on the sea
Like the color of my mother's bracelet
And is beautiful, her eyes on me

I can't break the silence though,
I can't let her down
But I must.

She will find her landscapes
I will find mine.

Fear

I touch her shoulder lightly
And she wakes abruptly
Wild eyes lock on mine,
Till recognition dawns across her features
And her breathing slows

I wonder what keeps her up at night
And what puts the fear into her mornings

Sacrament

Here I sit,
Tying myself to
Little heaven strings.

Directing my heart
Towards the higher land
In distant memory.

Joyfully amassing the fibers
Looping myself to
Little lines of eternity.

Praying to be lifted
Above the sin-sickness
Afflicting my soul

Tying knot after knot
Of the pure white strings
Thin as spider's silk

A barely noticable difference
Tugs my stubborn heart
Just a tiny bit higher

The lines pulling me
Ever so slowly
Towards His presence

Remembering week after week
My soul on it's tiptoes
Wanting to fly again

Just waiting till the bond
Is strong enough
To pull me homebound.

Kindness Tree

I planted a kindness tree
In the faded sunlight.
Before the automatic streetlights turned on.
Using nothing but my bare hands
To open the loam of the soft ground:
(No other way to plant a kindness tree)

I deposed the tiny seed gently in the earth,
Like a sleeping giant, waiting to burst forth.
I covered it with the soil of goodwill
Praying it would grow and bear fruit

Pondering the turned ground,
I realized it needed water
I looked around for the watering can,
I found none.

So I watered it with the tears of happiness
And the tears of charity-sorrow
Mourning for those that mourn:
No other way to nourish a kindness tree

Amazed at the bright buds of change
Blooming in bright color before my face
Keeping close to my heart, my kindness tree.

After months of thoughtful reflection
Moments morphing into the supple wood;
I watched my kindness tree grow.
And I harvested the pure white fruit
White as fresh-fallen snow.

Watching the sun of happiness rise
As a cool breeze of peace passes by
I sit now beneath the humble cover of
My own (self-grown) Kindness tree.

Sourd (Haikus)

The words me and I
Have overcome the calmness
Possibility

Spinning in myself
Thoughtlessness and vanity
My true self reeling

The false face showing
Insistence that I am right
The long distance

A look in the face
Professing to know them too
Realization

I'm tapping my ears
Attempting to hear a sound
Frantically now

Soundlessly screaming
As I realize my mistake:
Overemphasized

Begging for a change
Pleading for my cause again
With words I can't hear

Simple melody
And the absence of the word,
The deafening "me"

Pen to Paper

There is ink in my pen
And I'm pretty sure
If I put it to the page
It would come out,
Creating some sort of mark
On the blank pages.
Of my spiral bound
College-ruled notebook

But instead, my pen rests
Hovering above the page,
Hanging over the space
In-between the evenly spaced lines
Of faded red to off-white
Like a cliffhanging thought
On the tip of my tongue,
Unable to make a sound.

I truly want to write,
But I am struggling to
Break the imperceptible gap
In between the electricity
Running through my body
And symbols on the page,
Translating myself so others
Can feel the same emotions.

"The simple possibility
Of something
Cannot create anything."
I tell my overthinking brain.
I combat internally, knowing
If I force the symbols out,
They aren't pretty or proper:
They don't mean as much.

But then I look down
At the blank lined page
And about give up hope that there
Are any marks I know
In the language I've spoken
Since I was in my infancy
To describe what I need
To tell the rest of humanity.

There is no feeling,
No emotion transmitting
The hurt or happiness
But I attempt forcedly,
Cracking the separation
Of unknowing desperation.
With the simple words:
"To be".

Zen

I'm scrambling my zen
Writing jumbled thoughts
On the back of letters
I thought I would send

Asking myself why
The words aren't working
Frustration filling,
I let out a sigh.

Way more than enough
Ideas traveling.
The words want to scream
All sorts of loud stuff.

Contradicting thoughts
Screeching round my head
Definites mumbling
What if's and if not's
--
Handcuffing one hand
To my wild brain;
Holding for dear life
Dragged across the land
--

Breathing in and out
Slowing down the frantic
Discord of my heart
What is this feeling?

Closing my lost eyes
Searching for vision
Or simplicity
Among all my neurons.

I calm myself down:
In mixing colors
I know all I get
Is a shade of brown:

Yellow, red, or blue.
I forget sometimes
Why I'm terrible
At painting things true.

Pity

I think God looks down in pity
As we cover the simple streets of our city;
(Almost like it's our mortal campaign)
With our motley assortment of buildings again
It’s Sand. Earth. Metal. All the same
Since the world began. Only us to blame.
Building up and up and up from the dearth
But creating nothing, only modifying the earth

We demand the heavens wondering
Why we have smoke and pain and suffering.
When it was us that created all these things
Trying to mess with nature and heaven strings.
Not realizing we cannot make the world turn.
Our thoughts only on what we will earn.
Higher and higher to our metaphorical sky
Of hauteur and rank and power. Why?

I believe that if we stop forgetting
That the hallowed ground
On which we stand
Is a place to learn, to build:
Not the world surrounding us
But rather, our own soul
We could become a bit more happy
With our little days that are sunny,
And stop caring so much about our buildings
And cars and houses and jobs and money;
Simply listen to how the earth sings.
Bridges of sand fall apart anyways.

The Doctor

The hours wasted
In self-reliance and pride
Believing I have something to give
Realizing I have nothing to give
I can only take the grace
And in return, follow.

The price was already paid
The dagger already laid
So, shall I take the sacrifice,
And use it to heal my life,
Or just continue in myself?

My natural self is
Breaking the heaven-sown stitches
Trying to heal my heart.
They weren't ready
To be pulled out just yet.

Coming back with a guilty plea
And with His infinite love He heals me:
Over and over the great physician
Binds up my wounds and broken bones

He was broken for every time I was,
Bruised just to understand how to heal
Lifted up through the greatest sufferings
Just to succor his people from their infirmities
And to heal with love from his now infinite heart.

B

The reservoir of memories of her and I
Is suddenly empty. I'm startled:
I expected somehow more.

When you throw yourelf into
something and put in everything you have:
The reserves, the backup plans,
All get dissolved and evaporated.

I'm left staring wide second glances.
I hadn't really considered plan B.

The Guide

You were once so peaceful
In the casual disarray.
Now your footprints
Guide your friends into the fire

The whispers of a problem
Dropped with minor insignificance
On the outskirts of a perfect morning

The woes of expiration date love

Flash

The rain reminds me of
Thought-ridden afternoons after school
Where the sprinkler would be the sky
And the street a river
Carrying the lawn clippings and bottle caps
Into the storm drain

We wouldn't tell our mom
About the thunder -
Instead watching the bright contrast
On each other's faces-
And told ourselves God took
Pictures with every flash

The Baker

You know you unfollowed me
And I haven't felt the same since.
Do you still care?
You said I was your best friend
But I don't know you anymore.

You looked so skinny
when I saw you last
Your skin white and veiny
Your lips pale.
I worry for you, friend.

Cakes and muffins;
Lemon bread and blueberries
Not even for sale
You work with the very thing you spite

You drown your worries
In tasteless wine
And hang your insecurities
On the clothesline

I don't know if you mind
My intrusion,
But I had to see you.
You mean too much:

You were always there to shake
The demons off me,
To pray like a believer
And offer your opinion

I cannot tell you what to do

But please think of yourself

Before you think of others.

Pray.

And above all, friend

Don't go down the tunnels

Of your self-thought misery

Without someone else.

History

Is it a crime to take things slow?
For sure I get anxious -
But that's not the reason
I don't trust just anyone anymore

I don't want caution to blow away;
You can't blame me
People never change their nature
History repeats itself to no end.

Scars run deep
and heal shallow.