Our desert (haiku)

I look through photos
Our life through the four seasons
Back through the old ones. 

Blossoming in spring
With all the diverse flowers
Bright, happy color. 

Scorching in summer, 
Our A/C broken, so we
Leave our windows down

Falling again, we're 
Like leaves on her cherry tree
Now dreading the frost

Tumbling like winter
From the black clouds above her, 
Now we are just cold

Once brazen, now I 
Hesitate through her new life, 
Living so unsure

Scared to ask what's wrong
Betraying nothing, hiding
Our arid desert.

Something is so off, 
Avoiding each other's eyes, 
Nothing like before. 

Its a stark contrast
One could read on our faces
Casual menace. 

Still breaking us off
And raking up all the leaves
Was the hardest thing.

Panic

I had never understood that word until now
Until all of the memories came back at once
All of the sleepless nights cowering
Beneath the stench of my own fear
Under a small sheet
In the uncomfort of a swelteting room:
Shadows filling my head

I don't know whether to cry
Or fall into a ball of nothing
But recited song lyrics
On the carpet,
Muttering unintelligibly.

There is too much to express
I can't do anything.
Abjact terror: I am petrified.
The rewind button on my brain
Is stuck down
And it keeps going further and further
Whirring and creaking as the memories
Resurface with reckless abandon
In front of my bloodshot eyes.

Nights spent staring at the nightlight
Or watching my alarm clocks' red digits
Tic by one by one until I could escape the confines
Of my bed and could walk without fear.

Night terrors and sleep paralysis,
Men with spears chanting in archaic languages
Painted deathly white,
Pallid dreams where my falling never ended,
Crude hashes on prison cell walls.

I collapse on a chair and try to tell
My breathing to slow and my being to
Adapt to the antigens and adrenaline
Instead all I can do is tremble
And put my hands in between my knees
And brace myself for another wave

Horrifying bitter dread
Swallowing me whole
And spitting me out again
Just for spite.

I used to make deals with the monsters
Under my bed.
And I guess I lost one.
My demons' crinkled fingers latching
Onto the debased recesses of my head.

Worth

When was the last time you breathed in,
All the way to the center of your being
And filled yourself to the brim
With Nitrogen, oxygen, and the dust
Building up in your office?

When was the last time you looked
Out in the distance at the mountains
And said "I'm going to climb that one"
And went and did it?

Rejoicing in the accomplishment.

When was the last time you looked
At yourself in the mirror and accepted it all
Without judgement:
Staring into your own steely eyes
For infinity in the retina reflections

Because you know you are capable, right?
You know you are worth everything.
And those who think different of you
Are only kidding themselves.

Your purpose is so much more than they know

God did not put you here to wallow.
He put you here to swallow the sorrow
Walk through the pain and anguish
Savoring the instincts, the fears
And gain shades of light as you go.

Crazy how the dark can break some
And can spark a hint of greatness in others.
Those who live to tell the tale of this life
Will have all the stories to spin eternities
And experience enough to love without bounds.

The Protector

I grit my teeth
And clench my fists
as I see it happen before my eyes,
my stomach turns and twists.

I could never strike for myself,
But as soon as someone hurts another
I get that steely look in my eye, becoming
An enraged inferno no one can smother

Why do I care for others honor
More than mine?
Why will I bruise and bloody myself
Just so others can be fine?

I struggle to be around people
That repeatedly hurt others. With candor,
I'm too blessed and cursed with caring
To be an innocent bystander.

Autobiography

I'm scribbling my thoughts furiously
Before they fade into the clutter
Wherever my half-forgotten dreams
Are located in my brain.

I'm terrified at who I might look like
In the mirror of paper:
But even more scared that no one
Will dig through these memories and thoughts
And learn of me.

I don't want to live on as a blip
on a heartbeat monitor,
dragging my aching feet
over the edge of my hospital bed.

Just living was never enough:
I must taste every day as a renowned critic,
Detailing the sweet, salty, and bitter undertones.
I must swirl every moment around in
my wine glass before drinking slowly.

Will my memories age well,
Or will they rest on my tongue
And melt like European chocolate,
Into happy oblivion, (but oblivion nonetheless)
Leaving only whispers on my own lips
And callouses on my fingertips?

I want to look back
At thousands of pages;
Millions of words
Arranged in neat lines
Across pages of leather journals
Faded with overuse:

The bindings broken from
Being turned over to favorite pages,
The corners turned over to memories once had
And repeatedly enjoyed
By those who need them.

I want to steal people's attention from the grave,
Make them shake with raucous laughter
As they read:
Cause them to shed tears of sympathy
And nod their heads in agreement
As they solemnly speak my words.

All I've ever wanted to do
Is to help others understand
my imperfect insight
and relish the thought of being themselves.

All-Seeing

I wish I had the eyes of god
The ones that would make people
Tremble with the weight of their decisions:
The gaze that would enforce right
With a single glance.

The eyes are warm enough
To consider the lowliest
As a friend:
Those that humble the haughty
With a simple gaze.

I might be wrong to assume
People would even look up
To meet God's eyes:
Ashamed to meet the gaze
Of their maker.

Maybe I don't want God's eyes,
I'd be scared of everyone
Not looking up

I would weep salt tears
For everyone's choices.
Omniscience is seeing all the
Ones you love
Consistently forget you

My Wake

i ball my hand into a fist
and my knuckles hurt
from the punching bag
but i know i won't strike first

i know that anger makes me irrational

but i have tamed it, honed it

into a chilled knife:

sharp Stainless Steel.

my words are 

more dangerous than any punch

i could throw

my dear

enraged and enflamed,

i can control my feelings to a dull throb

and grip the steering wheel

until my knuckles are white.

i am warm to the touch

to the point where my mother would

have felt my forehead and said 

"stay home from school".

i can't bring myself to 

hurt anyone until i am wounded - 

but when i am struck,

i lash back with my disastrous tongue

pounding their pride into pulp

swinging wildly at their solutions

tearing their tries to calm me

until there rests nothing but debris.

Smothered

the love of sound
haunts my dreams

my constant thoughts,

the music in their discord,
leave no space
for other people's words

they say somethings wrong
when i drift off into myself
but how is it my fault
when their words are being
forced down my throat

inspiration

the desert flower always prayed for a tsunami -
but then again neverending water
always sounds good to the parched.

But when the rain comes
and practically washes out its roots -
that flower will pray it won't drown

i am that tsunami
my words and feelings
and you the flower

i am damming the tide
so you don't drown
in me

Splinter

Hundreds of scraps of paper
Litter my floor because I can't decide what to think:

I don't know if I'm still in love,
Or this anger is me giving up completely

It's all I can do to not let you know
How far you got into my head;

I can't emphasize my bliss before
You told me it was all a lie
Straight to my face:

When you stood motionless, resolute, and calculated,

And shut us down in a few cutthroat sentences.

I knew better than to argue with you when
You had that look in your eyes.

Nodding slowly to your decisions

I retreated from the confrontation

Behind ornate walls of self-deception

You closed the door quietly behind you

And didn't even look back

And now I cant get this cursed splinter

Of you out of my head

I Am Not Someone Else

She slowly opens her eyes after we kiss
Almost surprised as someone else is before her:
Losing her reality for a split-second

In someone else's lips.

She looks through me;
When she doesn't, she wants to change me:
Piece by piece molding exactly what she misses
Out of my voided heart.

This twisted illusion of quick fixes 

Grinds my emotions into coarse powder

Which she sifts with impunity

As I struggle to make sense of it

One cannot learn to love again
Without letting the past rest where it lies.
As much as it hurts her, I can't be him -
I won't be.

Juggling Embers

How do you warn someone
Before their world crashes
Into tatters in front of
Their disbelieving eyes?

Falling head over heels
Leaves you black and blue in its wake
When there's no one to catch your fall

I'm anticipating the bitterness
Of watching someone suffer
That heartwrenching grief again

Watching the scenes unravel
As I look on in spellbound horror -
Unable to break my gaze

I remain silent as not to betray
The trust of the scheme
Entrusted to my "zipped lips"

It doesn't stop me from hurting
For others who will be broken
For the twisted pleasure of it

Is it my pride or sick jealousy

That keeps me from bailing

From this game of people's hearts?

Heartless

The feeling of regret
Of not being there for someone.
The stench of sadness stained
Almosts

The people I've hurt,
The scenes I've seen
Replaying again and again
In my brain

These are the things that
Keep me up at night

"I really want to"
And "I'll try"
And "I'm sorry I couldn't"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smash holes in my confidence:
Tell me again how I don't care
About anyone but myself

It makes my indecision feel
As tangible as the chilled iron
In my chest

Generics

Clean it up
Scrub the edges

Efface the hurt
That looks me in the eyes
Before I wash my face with water
In the mornings

The gaunt eyes,
The moles on my face
And my body;
The scars and blemishes

Splashing hot water,
Waking my tired eyes
From yet another fitful night:
Dreams disrupting my sleep.

I wrap my arms around myself
In the shower,
The ice water streaming down
My face and body like rivers

Someday I'll wash away
All the weakness in my soul

Distrust

I press my bitten nails into my palms
As she speaks, as to not betray
The fact I am two milimeters
From breaking down completely.

I wish I wasn't so emotional,
And I could interpret situations
Without my heart racing
Or my mouth being dry

I have this innate need
To know everything
And to act on it:
Compartmentalizing my life.

I'm preparing for the worst:
Why can't I ever be an optimist
And not an overthinking realist
Ready to catch my fall already.

Walls

Scars that never fade away

"Nothings wrong" you'd always say

Shrugging off help with disdain

"I don't know what you're talking about"

I think I can see through your wall

"No one understands me" is just

Your excuse to let no one in.

"It's not worth trying", you say.

It's really a desperate plea 

When you say "Nobody can help me";

I'm staying right here until

"Okay you're right." 

Then what?

It takes a minute to focus my thoughts;
To inhale until I see stars,
And let my breath out shallowly:
Trading my carbon for oxygen
For the millionth time.

I've been let down so many times
It's become more than just a trend,
I guess this is the reason I put
So much confidence in myself.

I might just recede into my monotony
And give up making the changes
That have done nothing but hurt me.
Or quite the opposite:

I might make more changes than ever
Hiding the fear
Fighting the fear
Becoming the feared

Hiding in plain sight of everyone:
Forging a new identity for myself
Because evidently as I am
I am not good enough.

I Thought

I thought I had forgotten everything:
Erased every memory of you
From the recesses of my brain,

But when I look at her
At that one angle she looks
Exactly like you did
Your head turned sideways with a little smile

I knew you loved me and nothing frightened me more:
You loved me so much I disregarded it
And gave anything else precedence.
I didn't even give you a chance.

I'm sorry I wasn't ready enough
To put my selfishness aside:
In the end I guess it doesn't matter
You moved on as fast as occasion permit.

Landscapes

Floating deep in something lacking thought
Disappearing in the blacklight
Of yet another "revelatory experience"

She sits, her hand on her knee, tense.
Not expecting anything, but belief
Sometimes overcomes sense

Condemned to his hapless heart
For yet another second - pining
For the painted reds and blues

She is turquoise like the brine on the sea
Like the color of my mother's bracelet
And is beautiful, her eyes on me

I can't break the silence though,
I can't let her down
But I must.

She will find her landscapes
I will find mine.

Fear

I touch her shoulder lightly
And she wakes abruptly
Wild eyes lock on mine,
Till recognition dawns across her features
And her breathing slows

I wonder what keeps her up at night
And what puts the fear into her mornings

Sacrament

Here I sit,
Tying myself to
Little heaven strings.

Directing my heart
Towards the higher land
In distant memory.

Joyfully amassing the fibers
Looping myself to
Little lines of eternity.

Praying to be lifted
Above the sin-sickness
Afflicting my soul

Tying knot after knot
Of the pure white strings
Thin as spider's silk

A barely noticable difference
Tugs my stubborn heart
Just a tiny bit higher

The lines pulling me
Ever so slowly
Towards His presence

Remembering week after week
My soul on it's tiptoes
Wanting to fly again

Just waiting till the bond
Is strong enough
To pull me homebound.

Kindness Tree

I planted a kindness tree
In the faded sunlight.
Before the automatic streetlights turned on.
Using nothing but my bare hands
To open the loam of the soft ground:
(No other way to plant a kindness tree)

I deposed the tiny seed gently in the earth,
Like a sleeping giant, waiting to burst forth.
I covered it with the soil of goodwill
Praying it would grow and bear fruit

Pondering the turned ground,
I realized it needed water
I looked around for the watering can,
I found none.

So I watered it with the tears of happiness
And the tears of charity-sorrow
Mourning for those that mourn:
No other way to nourish a kindness tree

Amazed at the bright buds of change
Blooming in bright color before my face
Keeping close to my heart, my kindness tree.

After months of thoughtful reflection
Moments morphing into the supple wood;
I watched my kindness tree grow.
And I harvested the pure white fruit
White as fresh-fallen snow.

Watching the sun of happiness rise
As a cool breeze of peace passes by
I sit now beneath the humble cover of
My own (self-grown) Kindness tree.

Sourd (Haikus)

The words me and I
Have overcome the calmness
Possibility

Spinning in myself
Thoughtlessness and vanity
My true self reeling

The false face showing
Insistence that I am right
The long distance

A look in the face
Professing to know them too
Realization

I'm tapping my ears
Attempting to hear a sound
Frantically now

Soundlessly screaming
As I realize my mistake:
Overemphasized

Begging for a change
Pleading for my cause again
With words I can't hear

Simple melody
And the absence of the word,
The deafening "me"

Pen to Paper

There is ink in my pen
And I'm pretty sure
If I put it to the page
It would come out,
Creating some sort of mark
On the blank pages.
Of my spiral bound
College-ruled notebook

But instead, my pen rests
Hovering above the page,
Hanging over the space
In-between the evenly spaced lines
Of faded red to off-white
Like a cliffhanging thought
On the tip of my tongue,
Unable to make a sound.

I truly want to write,
But I am struggling to
Break the imperceptible gap
In between the electricity
Running through my body
And symbols on the page,
Translating myself so others
Can feel the same emotions.

"The simple possibility
Of something
Cannot create anything."
I tell my overthinking brain.
I combat internally, knowing
If I force the symbols out,
They aren't pretty or proper:
They don't mean as much.

But then I look down
At the blank lined page
And about give up hope that there
Are any marks I know
In the language I've spoken
Since I was in my infancy
To describe what I need
To tell the rest of humanity.

There is no feeling,
No emotion transmitting
The hurt or happiness
But I attempt forcedly,
Cracking the separation
Of unknowing desperation.
With the simple words:
"To be".

Zen

I'm scrambling my zen
Writing jumbled thoughts
On the back of letters
I thought I would send

Asking myself why
The words aren't working
Frustration filling,
I let out a sigh.

Way more than enough
Ideas traveling.
The words want to scream
All sorts of loud stuff.

Contradicting thoughts
Screeching round my head
Definites mumbling
What if's and if not's
--
Handcuffing one hand
To my wild brain;
Holding for dear life
Dragged across the land
--

Breathing in and out
Slowing down the frantic
Discord of my heart
What is this feeling?

Closing my lost eyes
Searching for vision
Or simplicity
Among all my neurons.

I calm myself down:
In mixing colors
I know all I get
Is a shade of brown:

Yellow, red, or blue.
I forget sometimes
Why I'm terrible
At painting things true.

Pity

I think God looks down in pity
As we cover the simple streets of our city;
(Almost like it's our mortal campaign)
With our motley assortment of buildings again
It’s Sand. Earth. Metal. All the same
Since the world began. Only us to blame.
Building up and up and up from the dearth
But creating nothing, only modifying the earth

We demand the heavens wondering
Why we have smoke and pain and suffering.
When it was us that created all these things
Trying to mess with nature and heaven strings.
Not realizing we cannot make the world turn.
Our thoughts only on what we will earn.
Higher and higher to our metaphorical sky
Of hauteur and rank and power. Why?

I believe that if we stop forgetting
That the hallowed ground
On which we stand
Is a place to learn, to build:
Not the world surrounding us
But rather, our own soul
We could become a bit more happy
With our little days that are sunny,
And stop caring so much about our buildings
And cars and houses and jobs and money;
Simply listen to how the earth sings.
Bridges of sand fall apart anyways.

The Doctor

The hours wasted
In self-reliance and pride
Believing I have something to give
Realizing I have nothing to give
I can only take the grace
And in return, follow.

The price was already paid
The dagger already laid
So, shall I take the sacrifice,
And use it to heal my life,
Or just continue in myself?

My natural self is
Breaking the heaven-sown stitches
Trying to heal my heart.
They weren't ready
To be pulled out just yet.

Coming back with a guilty plea
And with His infinite love He heals me:
Over and over the great physician
Binds up my wounds and broken bones

He was broken for every time I was,
Bruised just to understand how to heal
Lifted up through the greatest sufferings
Just to succor his people from their infirmities
And to heal with love from his now infinite heart.

B

The reservoir of memories of her and I
Is suddenly empty. I'm startled:
I expected somehow more.

When you throw yourelf into
something and put in everything you have:
The reserves, the backup plans,
All get dissolved and evaporated.

I'm left staring wide second glances.
I hadn't really considered plan B.

The Guide

You were once so peaceful
In the casual disarray.
Now your footprints
Guide your friends into the fire

The whispers of a problem
Dropped with minor insignificance
On the outskirts of a perfect morning

The woes of expiration date love

Flash

The rain reminds me of
Thought-ridden afternoons after school
Where the sprinkler would be the sky
And the street a river
Carrying the lawn clippings and bottle caps
Into the storm drain

We wouldn't tell our mom
About the thunder -
Instead watching the bright contrast
On each other's faces-
And told ourselves God took
Pictures with every flash

The Baker

You know you unfollowed me
And I haven't felt the same since.
Do you still care?
You said I was your best friend
But I don't know you anymore.

You looked so skinny
when I saw you last
Your skin white and veiny
Your lips pale.
I worry for you, friend.

Cakes and muffins;
Lemon bread and blueberries
Not even for sale
You work with the very thing you spite

You drown your worries
In tasteless wine
And hang your insecurities
On the clothesline

I don't know if you mind
My intrusion,
But I had to see you.
You mean too much:

You were always there to shake
The demons off me,
To pray like a believer
And offer your opinion

I cannot tell you what to do

But please think of yourself

Before you think of others.

Pray.

And above all, friend

Don't go down the tunnels

Of your self-thought misery

Without someone else.

History

Is it a crime to take things slow?
For sure I get anxious -
But that's not the reason
I don't trust just anyone anymore

I don't want caution to blow away;
You can't blame me
People never change their nature
History repeats itself to no end.

Scars run deep
and heal shallow.

Irony

It is somehow clarifying
To let something fall out of your life
And realize how little you needed it

How ironic that we don't talk
anymore

Fog

I don't know exactly what it is -
It doesn't ever seem to fall apart all at once,
Thread by thread it's tearing
Like the faded knees of her blue jeans.
Heads turn in half-shame
As half-truths replace the infatuation phase.
I'm too scared to admit
what used to be her constant support,
Is now a hole
Shaded grey to disguise itself
Into the crumbling ash buildings
that make up my love

I think back to how my heart
Would turn in circles
When she would sing in her car.
Now I'm left grasping for simple answers
As we sit in tense silence.

Eyes avoided,
While secrets and old habits are stealing
Back to the surface.

Excuses made,
Worry stains the back of my throat
With a bitter taste like copper

The lights in her eyes dim when she sees me;
I'm gone in her eyes already.
I'm just the fog she's wading through

Contrite

Crushed under the weight
Of all the many things I've done

Finally I see the missing piece,
Struck senseless again with guilt

The simple truth is that I am wrong
Once again I am stuck in this place

Every time I go back to this
I marvel in amazement

The blindness of my own eyes;
My hard-hearted pride in full view

Help me come back to the light

She Left Today

Physics can't explain the gravity
Of when someone tells you
They are leaving for good;
The hanging, deafening silence
Of exasperated emancipation
Lying open in our living room

Thrown towels and soft vowels
Underneath the breath
The missing consonants hissing
Like the bit of oil I left
On the frying pan in the kitchen
When you tried to make pancakes
(It's always my fault you burn things)

As you slowly brush past me
In the unearthly breath of silence
I catch the scent of your cinnamon skin

Now I am just wondering
Who is going to tell me
they love the mole on my
Left cheek when I wake up
Next Monday morning?