Our desert (haiku)

I look through photos
Our life through the four seasons
Back through the old ones. 

Blossoming in spring
With all the diverse flowers
Bright, happy color. 

Scorching in summer, 
Our A/C broken, so we
Leave our windows down

Falling again, we're 
Like leaves on her cherry tree
Now dreading the frost

Tumbling like winter
From the black clouds above her, 
Now we are just cold

Once brazen, now I 
Hesitate through her new life, 
Living so unsure

Scared to ask what's wrong
Betraying nothing, hiding
Our arid desert.

Something is so off, 
Avoiding each other's eyes, 
Nothing like before. 

Its a stark contrast
One could read on our faces
Casual menace. 

Still breaking us off
And raking up all the leaves
Was the hardest thing.

Panic

I had never understood that word until now
Until all of the memories came back at once
All of the sleepless nights cowering
Beneath the stench of my own fear
Under a small sheet
In the uncomfort of a swelteting room:
Shadows filling my head

I don't know whether to cry
Or fall into a ball of nothing
But recited song lyrics
On the carpet,
Muttering unintelligibly.

There is too much to express
I can't do anything.
Abjact terror: I am petrified.
The rewind button on my brain
Is stuck down
And it keeps going further and further
Whirring and creaking as the memories
Resurface with reckless abandon
In front of my bloodshot eyes.

Nights spent staring at the nightlight
Or watching my alarm clocks' red digits
Tic by one by one until I could escape the confines
Of my bed and could walk without fear.

Night terrors and sleep paralysis,
Men with spears chanting in archaic languages
Painted deathly white,
Pallid dreams where my falling never ended,
Crude hashes on prison cell walls.

I collapse on a chair and try to tell
My breathing to slow and my being to
Adapt to the antigens and adrenaline
Instead all I can do is tremble
And put my hands in between my knees
And brace myself for another wave

Horrifying bitter dread
Swallowing me whole
And spitting me out again
Just for spite.

I used to make deals with the monsters
Under my bed.
And I guess I lost one.
My demons' crinkled fingers latching
Onto the debased recesses of my head.

Worth

When was the last time you breathed in,
All the way to the center of your being
And filled yourself to the brim
With Nitrogen, oxygen, and the dust
Building up in your office?

When was the last time you looked
Out in the distance at the mountains
And said "I'm going to climb that one"
And went and did it?

Rejoicing in the accomplishment.

When was the last time you looked
At yourself in the mirror and accepted it all
Without judgement:
Staring into your own steely eyes
For infinity in the retina reflections

Because you know you are capable, right?
You know you are worth everything.
And those who think different of you
Are only kidding themselves.

Your purpose is so much more than they know

God did not put you here to wallow.
He put you here to swallow the sorrow
Walk through the pain and anguish
Savoring the instincts, the fears
And gain shades of light as you go.

Crazy how the dark can break some
And can spark a hint of greatness in others.
Those who live to tell the tale of this life
Will have all the stories to spin eternities
And experience enough to love without bounds.

The Protector

I grit my teeth
And clench my fists
as I see it happen before my eyes,
my stomach turns and twists.

I could never strike for myself,
But as soon as someone hurts another
I get that steely look in my eye, becoming
An enraged inferno no one can smother

Why do I care for others honor
More than mine?
Why will I bruise and bloody myself
Just so others can be fine?

I struggle to be around people
That repeatedly hurt others. With candor,
I'm too blessed and cursed with caring
To be an innocent bystander.

Autobiography

I'm scribbling my thoughts furiously
Before they fade into the clutter
Wherever my half-forgotten dreams
Are located in my brain.

I'm terrified at who I might look like
In the mirror of paper:
But even more scared that no one
Will dig through these memories and thoughts
And learn of me.

I don't want to live on as a blip
on a heartbeat monitor,
dragging my aching feet
over the edge of my hospital bed.

Just living was never enough:
I must taste every day as a renowned critic,
Detailing the sweet, salty, and bitter undertones.
I must swirl every moment around in
my wine glass before drinking slowly.

Will my memories age well,
Or will they rest on my tongue
And melt like European chocolate,
Into happy oblivion, (but oblivion nonetheless)
Leaving only whispers on my own lips
And callouses on my fingertips?

I want to look back
At thousands of pages;
Millions of words
Arranged in neat lines
Across pages of leather journals
Faded with overuse:

The bindings broken from
Being turned over to favorite pages,
The corners turned over to memories once had
And repeatedly enjoyed
By those who need them.

I want to steal people's attention from the grave,
Make them shake with raucous laughter
As they read:
Cause them to shed tears of sympathy
And nod their heads in agreement
As they solemnly speak my words.

All I've ever wanted to do
Is to help others understand
my imperfect insight
and relish the thought of being themselves.

All-Seeing

I wish I had the eyes of god
The ones that would make people
Tremble with the weight of their decisions:
The gaze that would enforce right
With a single glance.

The eyes are warm enough
To consider the lowliest
As a friend:
Those that humble the haughty
With a simple gaze.

I might be wrong to assume
People would even look up
To meet God's eyes:
Ashamed to meet the gaze
Of their maker.

Maybe I don't want God's eyes,
I'd be scared of everyone
Not looking up

I would weep salt tears
For everyone's choices.
Omniscience is seeing all the
Ones you love
Consistently forget you

My Wake

i ball my hand into a fist
and my knuckles hurt
from the punching bag
but i know i won't strike first

i know that anger makes me irrational

but i have tamed it, honed it

into a chilled knife:

sharp Stainless Steel.

my words are 

more dangerous than any punch

i could throw

my dear

enraged and enflamed,

i can control my feelings to a dull throb

and grip the steering wheel

until my knuckles are white.

i am warm to the touch

to the point where my mother would

have felt my forehead and said 

"stay home from school".

i can't bring myself to 

hurt anyone until i am wounded - 

but when i am struck,

i lash back with my disastrous tongue

pounding their pride into pulp

swinging wildly at their solutions

tearing their tries to calm me

until there rests nothing but debris.

Smothered

the love of sound
haunts my dreams

my constant thoughts,

the music in their discord,
leave no space
for other people's words

they say somethings wrong
when i drift off into myself
but how is it my fault
when their words are being
forced down my throat

inspiration

the desert flower always prayed for a tsunami -
but then again neverending water
always sounds good to the parched.

But when the rain comes
and practically washes out its roots -
that flower will pray it won't drown

i am that tsunami
my words and feelings
and you the flower

i am damming the tide
so you don't drown
in me

Splinter

Hundreds of scraps of paper
Litter my floor because I can't decide what to think:

I don't know if I'm still in love,
Or this anger is me giving up completely

It's all I can do to not let you know
How far you got into my head;

I can't emphasize my bliss before
You told me it was all a lie
Straight to my face:

When you stood motionless, resolute, and calculated,

And shut us down in a few cutthroat sentences.

I knew better than to argue with you when
You had that look in your eyes.

Nodding slowly to your decisions

I retreated from the confrontation

Behind ornate walls of self-deception

You closed the door quietly behind you

And didn't even look back

And now I cant get this cursed splinter

Of you out of my head

I Am Not Someone Else

She slowly opens her eyes after we kiss
Almost surprised as someone else is before her:
Losing her reality for a split-second

In someone else's lips.

She looks through me;
When she doesn't, she wants to change me:
Piece by piece molding exactly what she misses
Out of my voided heart.

This twisted illusion of quick fixes 

Grinds my emotions into coarse powder

Which she sifts with impunity

As I struggle to make sense of it

One cannot learn to love again
Without letting the past rest where it lies.
As much as it hurts her, I can't be him -
I won't be.

Juggling Embers

How do you warn someone
Before their world crashes
Into tatters in front of
Their disbelieving eyes?

Falling head over heels
Leaves you black and blue in its wake
When there's no one to catch your fall

I'm anticipating the bitterness
Of watching someone suffer
That heartwrenching grief again

Watching the scenes unravel
As I look on in spellbound horror -
Unable to break my gaze

I remain silent as not to betray
The trust of the scheme
Entrusted to my "zipped lips"

It doesn't stop me from hurting
For others who will be broken
For the twisted pleasure of it

Is it my pride or sick jealousy

That keeps me from bailing

From this game of people's hearts?

Heartless

The feeling of regret
Of not being there for someone.
The stench of sadness stained
Almosts

The people I've hurt,
The scenes I've seen
Replaying again and again
In my brain

These are the things that
Keep me up at night

"I really want to"
And "I'll try"
And "I'm sorry I couldn't"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Smash holes in my confidence:
Tell me again how I don't care
About anyone but myself

It makes my indecision feel
As tangible as the chilled iron
In my chest

Generics

Clean it up
Scrub the edges

Efface the hurt
That looks me in the eyes
Before I wash my face with water
In the mornings

The gaunt eyes,
The moles on my face
And my body;
The scars and blemishes

Splashing hot water,
Waking my tired eyes
From yet another fitful night:
Dreams disrupting my sleep.

I wrap my arms around myself
In the shower,
The ice water streaming down
My face and body like rivers

Someday I'll wash away
All the weakness in my soul

Distrust

I press my bitten nails into my palms
As she speaks, as to not betray
The fact I am two milimeters
From breaking down completely.

I wish I wasn't so emotional,
And I could interpret situations
Without my heart racing
Or my mouth being dry

I have this innate need
To know everything
And to act on it:
Compartmentalizing my life.

I'm preparing for the worst:
Why can't I ever be an optimist
And not an overthinking realist
Ready to catch my fall already.